AN OVERVIEW OF WHAT TO EXPECT IN DR. DOBO’S COUPLES COUNSELING SESSIONS
In couples therapy we try to help couples communicate better. This is somewhat of a cliché. “We need to work on communication.” Communication encompasses a lot of behaviors not just talking and listening. There is the tone of the voice, body language, and facial expression, which are all part of the communication system. It also includes the level of respect and kindness or lack thereof that is present in the relationship. Additionally, we examine the subtle bids for intimacy or connection that are accepted or reject by the other partner.
There is an assessment and feedback process. The assessment determines the level of commitment each partner has in the relationship. If both partners are not commited to the process it cannot work. The assessment also determines whether or not the couple wants to proceed with the counseling and also if the therapist wants to accept the couple as clients (if he thinks he can help).
In my marital counseling sessions, the couples are video taped as they discuss an area they do not agree on. Usually, they interact in maladaptive ways that do not resolve the problem, but in fact, often make the problem worse and damage the stability of the relationship. After more adaptive skills are learned, the original tape is viewed with a new perspective and the couple begins to correct the mistakes from the original tape. This is usually a powerful process for the couple. In this experience, they become aware of the power of the new skills.
The couples will learn and understand new skills that replace the maladaptive ways of interacting. After the couple understands these new skills the pair is asked to discuss an issue in front of the therapist. During these sessions, each time someone reverts to the maladaptive style it is pointed out and the antidote to the maladaptive style is suggested and if necessary demonstrated.
In a conflict, both people are right and wrong. Both must accept some responsibility for the problem. This is not always easy to see or do when angry but eventually the successful couples come to understand this and work to repair this situation. The unsuccessful couples never do.
Much of what happens in marital counseling is skill building and developing a deeper understanding of each others emotions. It does not blame one person or the other because it is rarely one person’s fault but instead usually both partners bare some responsibility for the situation they find themselves in.
We all have emotional buttons that get pushed by our partner. This is a natural phenomenon that happens in all relationships at some level. With the use of EMDR we can neutralize these emotional buttons. This reduces the level of negative emotion in the relationship and makes it much easier for the pair to work together on their relationship. EMDR is sometimes used when indicated.
